I sit down to finally eat some food after a long morning of trampoline zone and a missed nap time. I take two bites of my macaroni and cheese, and that’s when I feel it..
Freezing Cold Water
All over my lap.
All over the table.
I stare in disbelief at my three year old who decided she was gonna slam her cup across the table because I had dared to give her water instead of juice.
All I wanted was a hot meal.
She gets sent to time out, I clean up, explain to her why it isn’t nice to dump your drinks, (no matter how bad you think water tastes), we hug, and she finishes her meal.
As I sit in my damp pants, staring at her across the table as she eats the rest of her food-taking tiny bites, like a small bird, my heart is filled with love for her. For the spirited little person she is, the crazy stubborn personality she has. I am so lucky to know her. To call her mine. I appreciate everything she brings to my life.
Wet pants and all.
Today I feel overwhelmed.
I keep finding myself browsing through my phone, I feel rushed, unmotivated, and exhausted.
Maybe that’s just a normal thing for Wednesday’s? We’re halfway through the week, and full swing into the chaos that is motherhood. I long for the weekend when my husband will be around more, and I will have an adult to spend time with.
It’s crazy how monotonous the days can get with only children to talk to, and also how lonely.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love these sweet children of mine. I would be lost without them, and I know everyday that I am lucky to be their mother. Sometimes it’s just a lot.
Sometimes I long for the silence I only find when they are sleeping. Sometimes I dream about a small cottage, right on the beach, my books, and only my thoughts to keep me company.
I guess me being such an introvert probably doesn’t help the situation.
My mom likes to tell the story of how even when I was a small child I wouldn’t go to sleep with anyone touching me. I would just bundle up with my blanket on the floor, pulled over my head, and pass out. I guess I’ve carried that trait into adulthood because I still struggle with not wanting to be touched a lot and feeling so anxious when everyone is grabbing at me at once. Which seems to happen about every ten minutes,
I don’t mean to sit and complain, I guess writing is just how I vent. Release the pressure I am feeling inside, the way some people run or binge eat.
I know that tonight as I close my eyes, listening to the sounds of my family breathing peacefully, lost in dreams, I will long for them and the noise they fill our home with. Then the morning will come, and the chaos will begin again, and I will succumb to it. Feeling both overwhelmed with the mess and the love that seems to seep into every pore of my being, all thanks to these crazy little humans.
It’s funny how life works, the things that drive us craziest are the ones we can’t live without.
The thing about grief, is it’s different for everyone.
For me it hit like waves, some just gently nudging me backwards, others pulling me down completely with their force. Sometimes it feels like I’ve never felt the touch of the ocean, and other times it still feels as though I’m drowning in it.
My life vest has always been my children, then my husband, the safety of my home, and the comfort of my routines. Slowly pulling me away from the waves, to shore, to safety. I honestly don’t know what I would do without those things keeping me afloat.
Some people cope with alcohol, with staying busy, with drugs, with sex, with hurting those closest to them or pushing the world away. Some people have never felt those waves of grief, never had to hear someone tell them someone they had loved so much was gone. Had died. Passed away. Is in a better place. Whatever.
Those people sometimes find it hard to understand the waves that come, but maybe, just maybe, it takes almost drowning to learn how to fully swim. Maybe people who have felt themselves pulled down so low that they didn’t know how they would ever survive, just see things differently.
Maybe we are more compassionate, more empathetic, more forgiving, more anxious, more aware.
Maybe that’s our gift for surviving, or maybe it’s our burden, I’ll never be sure.
All I know, is I long for the day those waves can brush up against me, without pain, or anger or sorrow pulling me down with them. I long for the day I can reach my hands out, touch those waves, those memories, those lost moments, and feel that great love that I was blessed enough to share.
How lucky am I after all, that I had that time, that love, that was strong enough to create such powerful waves in my life.
I know for a lot of people who have always worked, the idea of being a stay at home mom is really foreign. It is also something of interest to a lot of working mothers thinking about switching to it, as well as to a lot of women who are considering motherhood.
Growing comfortable in my role of a “non working” member of society has been a great challenge for me. Slowly I have come to grips with it, and realized that I am doing what is best for my family, and that is way more important to me than a paycheck.
I do acknowledge that being a stay at home mom is a great privilege, and that it just isn’t possible for all women. However, I do feel that for anyone it is possible for, it is the very best choice to make. Kids really do need their mothers, especially in those early years. Who better to teach them, not only their “school” lessons, but also their life ones?
Below is an unstructured list of the duties I am in charge of daily. I tried to only include the bare skeleton of what is done every single day, because of course there are other random things that pop up. I look forward to hearing your thoughts, and about your days as well!
- • Get everyone including self ready for the day.
- • Meals, which include breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, and my husband’s lunch for work. I also try to have some type of dessert made up each week for my family to enjoy.
- • School/teaching my kids. This includes a list of items we go through everyday, including ABCs, shapes, letters, math (addition and subtraction), poetry, bible study, life skills, arts and crafts, sensory, etc.
- • Maintaining my house: laundry, floors, cleaning all the rooms of my house, garbage and recycling, plus any extras that come up.
- • Help to keep my yard tidy.
- • Take care of all of our pets.
- • Bathing all the kids and myself.
- • Making sure all of our bills are paid on time, and all doctor’s/dentist/misc. apps are scheduled.
- • Reading to, playing with, and providing quality time for all of our kids.
- • Breastfeeding my youngest.
- • Changing diapers, as well as keeping my cloth diaper stash clean and stocked.
From the time I wake up till the time I go to sleep I try to keep as busy as I can. I love feeling accomplished at the end of the day, and knowing that I got all my items for my daily to do list crossed off helps me to feel that way. I take motherhood, being a wife, and being a homemaker extremely seriously and strive to grow better at it as the years pass by.
What does your day look like? How do you make sure everything is done? Are you more laid back, or a list maker like me? I so look forward to hearing from everyone who takes the time to read this. ❤️ till next time,
• Less is Moore •
Tonight I want to blog about something that is really weighing on my heart.
I was shopping the other day with my kiddos, at a local children’s consignment shop, when I noticed another mom staring at me. Keep in mind my kids were running around like lunatics and my son was strapped to my back. The first thing that came into my head was that she was probably judging me, or thinking something negative about my parenting.
Anyways, I just turned to her and smiled, and she said, “You know… you are the most patient mother I have ever seen in my life.” My jaw dropped, because in that moment I felt anything but put together, or patient. Inside it felt like there was a storm going on inside of my body, and I was using every ounce of self restraint I had to keep my composure.
It made me think about how we really only see the very surface of people, not what’s actually going on underneath. Especially in this day and age of social media, putting only our best faces on for the world to see. Sharing the beautiful moments of our life, tiny pieces of the actual messy whole.
You might look on my social media and see a smiling baby, but you aren’t seeing the huge fit that happened right afterwards, or the tears I cried myself. You might see a happy picture of my husband and I, but you don’t see the way I raised my voice at him earlier in the day over something small. There is so much more to life than what meets the eye.
All the feelings of inadequacy, competition, failure… and all for what?
At the end of the day we are all just doing our very best to get by, and although it is always nice to hear that I am doing a good job, I never want anyone to get the impression that I have it all together or that I am perfect, because I am far from it.
I have my bad moments, bad days, and even bad weeks. I make mistakes, I raise my voice, I lose my temper, I get impatient.
My kids are my whole world though, so I apologize, try harder, and continue to work toward being the best mom I can be for them.
Next time you see a momma who seems to have it all together, don’t compare, or feel like less. Just know that you are the only mom your kids want or need, and that we all have our strengths and weaknesses.
Also, always feel free to tell others when they are doing good- you never know how much it could impact them. It could just turn out to be the rainbow shining down on the storm going on inside. 🌈
• Less is Moore •
It’s crazy how quickly summer seemed to creep up on us! It feels like just yesterday it was raining everyday, and now it’s hot enough to break a sweat just sitting out on the porch.
This summer is going to be an exciting one for my family. Our daughters are a little older and our son is on the move, so we can do a little more together. I also am finally not pregnant, or in charge of a newborn for the summer, so that helps too. 😂
I thought a fun blog post idea would be to share my family’s summer bucket list with everyone and I am hoping some of you will share yours with me in return! 🌞
• A trip to the zoo!
• Cleaning out our shed outside and getting our yard fixed up. We are also adding some raised garden beds, a playhouse, some small kiddy pools, and hopefully a little picnic table for our kids to have lunch on. ☀️
• Vacation in Winthrop. ⛰
• Leah’s third birthday party. 😍
• The Fourth of July, fireworks, and the parade. 🎇
• A trip to Fort Casey, picnic and the beach. 🏖
• Trampoline Zone! 💃
• Lots of parks and playgrounds. 🏃🏻♀️
• The Ferndale water park. 💦
• Billy’s 25th 🎂
• My fourth wedding anniversary. ♥️
I haven’t been so excited for a summer in a long time! We are also going down to only doing school three days a week- Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, to give the kids a little more freedom to play and enjoy the sunny weather .
I hope that everyone else has some fun plans for their summer, and I can’t wait to hear about them!!
Till next time,
• Less is Moore •
Lately I haven’t really felt up to blogging. I guess it’s had a little to do with not having inspiration to write, and a lot to do with struggling to get my life back on a schedule now that my sweet Landon is crawling!
7 months old and CRAWLING, I just can’t believe it.
So for today, to get me back into the swing of writing I wanted to write an update on my life right now. 😬☺️
Currently my husband is working swing shift, which means he is gone from about 1230 in the afternoon to 1130 at night every single weekday, and gone Saturdays working as well. His work changed his normal day shift to swing, so our lives are a little turned upside down.
Like I said above, our little guy is currently crawling so he has to be monitored pretty much all the time. The girls are wild as always, Leah is turning THREE which blows my mind, and Kayli has learned how to write a few words, read a few short stories and identify every letter of the alphabet.
Our cat had kittens (5) so along with my flock, I also have hers to watch out for. They will only be here till June first though, so we are trying to enjoy them while they are with us. 🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱
My anxiety levels have definitely been low lately, I’ve been feeling much better than normal! I’m hoping this means my hormones are going back to normal, 😬 but I guess we will see.
I am currently reading a Stephen King book he wrote with his son called Sleeping Beauties, and am not impressed which is sad because I usually love his books! I have two more lined up for when I finish so I’m hoping those ones are better. I’ll give reviews after each in case anyone wants to try one of them out. 🤓
The sunnier weather has definitely made me excited for this summer! It will be so nice not to be pregnant when we go to Winthrop for our vacation. 😎 Washington has kind of been off and on with the good weather lately though, which is pretty typical.
Everywhere I look outside I see flowers, blooming on the ground, in the trees, and the air smells like early summer already. Every single time this time of year comes around I just get so excited, 🌸🌼🌷🌱 everything feels fresh, new and happy.
I think for my next blog post I will be writing my bucket list for this summer, or doing one of our daily school routine! I am hoping to start writing a post a day again, and would love if anyone reading had any fun suggestions for things to write about! I hope everyone enjoyed this short little life update, and is also enjoying Springtime!
• Less is Moore •
Isn’t it crazy how serious becoming parents makes us?
Everything suddenly becomes so much more intense, so much more important. We suddenly take everything so much more to heart, because we become in charge of- in the most literal sense, another person’s whole life.
I think this is a big reason why the divorce rate, and the amount of single parents has increased. No one wants to be serious anymore, commitment is pretty much a thing of the past for most people, and there’s nothing fun or care free about broken up sleep for three days and your partner not getting up with the baby. That’s when the resentment starts.
Once that little seed of resentment is planted, you’d be surprised at how quickly it grows and sprouts off into other parts of our relationships. It’s relatively easy to try to nip it in the bud when it starts, and work against that initial feeling of anger and bitterness- but when it grows, and more issues arrive and go unaddressed then it gets a little bit more serious.
Parenting is serious work, don’t get me wrong, I know that as much as the next person. Coming from someone who has spent too much time taking things too seriously since becoming a mom, it’s not the way to be. Not only is it bad for your health, but it teaches your kids to be stressed out too, and it pushes your partner away.
Not everything is the end of the world, not everything needs to be talked out, or nagged about.
I remember a time when I was as wild as a storm (also as destructive). I went where I wanted, when I wanted. I jumped off cliffs into water, swam in the rain, camped on the mountains, and slept by the glow of a campfire. I wasn’t worried about anything, I was just so young and free of responsibilities.
Somewhere along the road that all changed, and I’m glad it did, because I think a parent should be steady, grounded and stable. But I do miss how fun I was, and how much more laid back I was about things.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be that person again, age and children have definitely changed me, but I work daily on becoming more easy going. On not taking life so seriously, on letting go of the little stuff, and not worrying about stuff I can’t control. Life is definitely too short to waste being stressed out.
How has becoming an adult or parent changed your life? Do you ever miss who you used to be? Are you happier with who you are now?
• Less is Moore •
Something not a lot of people know about me is that my papaw was the pastor for a church. It’s a little tiny church, that used to be yellow, right beside my grandparents house. I grew up going there and hearing him preach, but looking back now I wish I would have went every single Sunday.
Religion isn’t something that seems really “popular” to talk about anymore. It’s almost to the point where it’s mocked if you are religious. It’s really sad, but we live in a fallen world so there’s not much else you could really expect. I think it’s just easier to believe in nothing and do whatever you want, than to believe in something which requires the effort of goodness and morality.
When my oldest daughter’s father passed away, I cursed God. I tried to bargain with Him, I screamed at Him, I blamed Him, and I also leaned on Him. I felt so alone, but somehow I knew He was there with me, which made me feel better.
As I have walked through my life, all the different paths that I have taken.. I’ve realized that most of the ones I wouldn’t have necessarily chosen were the best ones for me. Every time I thought God had forsaken me, or just been downright cruel to me, I was proven wrong.
Some people like to ask, how can you believe in Him? You can’t even see Him. They mock religion as though it were the same as fairytales. My reply is simple. I do see Him-
I see Him in the faces of my children.
I see Him in the forgiveness from my husband.
I see Him in the early morning light of each new day.
I don’t just see Him though, I feel Him.
I feel Him in the patience that comes over me when I pray, the love that comes over me when I look at my children, the bond I have with my husband, and in so many other places and moments in my life.
My walk with God has not been an easy or smooth road. It has been riddled with doubts, anger, mistakes, and a whole ton of repentance. I can honestly say though, that my faith has gotten me through a lot, and I don’t know where I would be without it. I still work everyday on learning more about Him, and trying to be a more Godly wife and mother. I strive to teach my children the value of faith, and to someday see them able to lean on it in their life’s trials and struggles.
– Are you a Christian? If not, what religion- or non religion are you? What are your reasons/ thoughts? I’m not one to judge or force my beliefs on you at all. Or to try and convince, or change your mind. I have just always found religion to be so interesting. As well as the lack of. I truly believe just as we all have our own lives to live, we are all entitled to our own beliefs! I look forward to hearing yours!
• Less is Moore •