I sit down to finally eat some food after a long morning of trampoline zone and a missed nap time. I take two bites of my macaroni and cheese, and that’s when I feel it..
Freezing Cold Water
All over my lap.
All over the table.
I stare in disbelief at my three year old who decided she was gonna slam her cup across the table because I had dared to give her water instead of juice.
All I wanted was a hot meal.
She gets sent to time out, I clean up, explain to her why it isn’t nice to dump your drinks, (no matter how bad you think water tastes), we hug, and she finishes her meal.
As I sit in my damp pants, staring at her across the table as she eats the rest of her food-taking tiny bites, like a small bird, my heart is filled with love for her. For the spirited little person she is, the crazy stubborn personality she has. I am so lucky to know her. To call her mine. I appreciate everything she brings to my life.
Wet pants and all.
Today I feel overwhelmed.
I keep finding myself browsing through my phone, I feel rushed, unmotivated, and exhausted.
Maybe that’s just a normal thing for Wednesday’s? We’re halfway through the week, and full swing into the chaos that is motherhood. I long for the weekend when my husband will be around more, and I will have an adult to spend time with.
It’s crazy how monotonous the days can get with only children to talk to, and also how lonely.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love these sweet children of mine. I would be lost without them, and I know everyday that I am lucky to be their mother. Sometimes it’s just a lot.
Sometimes I long for the silence I only find when they are sleeping. Sometimes I dream about a small cottage, right on the beach, my books, and only my thoughts to keep me company.
I guess me being such an introvert probably doesn’t help the situation.
My mom likes to tell the story of how even when I was a small child I wouldn’t go to sleep with anyone touching me. I would just bundle up with my blanket on the floor, pulled over my head, and pass out. I guess I’ve carried that trait into adulthood because I still struggle with not wanting to be touched a lot and feeling so anxious when everyone is grabbing at me at once. Which seems to happen about every ten minutes,
I don’t mean to sit and complain, I guess writing is just how I vent. Release the pressure I am feeling inside, the way some people run or binge eat.
I know that tonight as I close my eyes, listening to the sounds of my family breathing peacefully, lost in dreams, I will long for them and the noise they fill our home with. Then the morning will come, and the chaos will begin again, and I will succumb to it. Feeling both overwhelmed with the mess and the love that seems to seep into every pore of my being, all thanks to these crazy little humans.
It’s funny how life works, the things that drive us craziest are the ones we can’t live without.
The thing about grief, is it’s different for everyone.
For me it hit like waves, some just gently nudging me backwards, others pulling me down completely with their force. Sometimes it feels like I’ve never felt the touch of the ocean, and other times it still feels as though I’m drowning in it.
My life vest has always been my children, then my husband, the safety of my home, and the comfort of my routines. Slowly pulling me away from the waves, to shore, to safety. I honestly don’t know what I would do without those things keeping me afloat.
Some people cope with alcohol, with staying busy, with drugs, with sex, with hurting those closest to them or pushing the world away. Some people have never felt those waves of grief, never had to hear someone tell them someone they had loved so much was gone. Had died. Passed away. Is in a better place. Whatever.
Those people sometimes find it hard to understand the waves that come, but maybe, just maybe, it takes almost drowning to learn how to fully swim. Maybe people who have felt themselves pulled down so low that they didn’t know how they would ever survive, just see things differently.
Maybe we are more compassionate, more empathetic, more forgiving, more anxious, more aware.
Maybe that’s our gift for surviving, or maybe it’s our burden, I’ll never be sure.
All I know, is I long for the day those waves can brush up against me, without pain, or anger or sorrow pulling me down with them. I long for the day I can reach my hands out, touch those waves, those memories, those lost moments, and feel that great love that I was blessed enough to share.
How lucky am I after all, that I had that time, that love, that was strong enough to create such powerful waves in my life.
I know for a lot of people who have always worked, the idea of being a stay at home mom is really foreign. It is also something of interest to a lot of working mothers thinking about switching to it, as well as to a lot of women who are considering motherhood.
Growing comfortable in my role of a “non working” member of society has been a great challenge for me. Slowly I have come to grips with it, and realized that I am doing what is best for my family, and that is way more important to me than a paycheck.
I do acknowledge that being a stay at home mom is a great privilege, and that it just isn’t possible for all women. However, I do feel that for anyone it is possible for, it is the very best choice to make. Kids really do need their mothers, especially in those early years. Who better to teach them, not only their “school” lessons, but also their life ones?
Below is an unstructured list of the duties I am in charge of daily. I tried to only include the bare skeleton of what is done every single day, because of course there are other random things that pop up. I look forward to hearing your thoughts, and about your days as well!
- • Get everyone including self ready for the day.
- • Meals, which include breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, and my husband’s lunch for work. I also try to have some type of dessert made up each week for my family to enjoy.
- • School/teaching my kids. This includes a list of items we go through everyday, including ABCs, shapes, letters, math (addition and subtraction), poetry, bible study, life skills, arts and crafts, sensory, etc.
- • Maintaining my house: laundry, floors, cleaning all the rooms of my house, garbage and recycling, plus any extras that come up.
- • Help to keep my yard tidy.
- • Take care of all of our pets.
- • Bathing all the kids and myself.
- • Making sure all of our bills are paid on time, and all doctor’s/dentist/misc. apps are scheduled.
- • Reading to, playing with, and providing quality time for all of our kids.
- • Breastfeeding my youngest.
- • Changing diapers, as well as keeping my cloth diaper stash clean and stocked.
From the time I wake up till the time I go to sleep I try to keep as busy as I can. I love feeling accomplished at the end of the day, and knowing that I got all my items for my daily to do list crossed off helps me to feel that way. I take motherhood, being a wife, and being a homemaker extremely seriously and strive to grow better at it as the years pass by.
What does your day look like? How do you make sure everything is done? Are you more laid back, or a list maker like me? I so look forward to hearing from everyone who takes the time to read this. ❤️ till next time,
• Less is Moore •
Tonight I want to blog about something that is really weighing on my heart.
I was shopping the other day with my kiddos, at a local children’s consignment shop, when I noticed another mom staring at me. Keep in mind my kids were running around like lunatics and my son was strapped to my back. The first thing that came into my head was that she was probably judging me, or thinking something negative about my parenting.
Anyways, I just turned to her and smiled, and she said, “You know… you are the most patient mother I have ever seen in my life.” My jaw dropped, because in that moment I felt anything but put together, or patient. Inside it felt like there was a storm going on inside of my body, and I was using every ounce of self restraint I had to keep my composure.
It made me think about how we really only see the very surface of people, not what’s actually going on underneath. Especially in this day and age of social media, putting only our best faces on for the world to see. Sharing the beautiful moments of our life, tiny pieces of the actual messy whole.
You might look on my social media and see a smiling baby, but you aren’t seeing the huge fit that happened right afterwards, or the tears I cried myself. You might see a happy picture of my husband and I, but you don’t see the way I raised my voice at him earlier in the day over something small. There is so much more to life than what meets the eye.
All the feelings of inadequacy, competition, failure… and all for what?
At the end of the day we are all just doing our very best to get by, and although it is always nice to hear that I am doing a good job, I never want anyone to get the impression that I have it all together or that I am perfect, because I am far from it.
I have my bad moments, bad days, and even bad weeks. I make mistakes, I raise my voice, I lose my temper, I get impatient.
My kids are my whole world though, so I apologize, try harder, and continue to work toward being the best mom I can be for them.
Next time you see a momma who seems to have it all together, don’t compare, or feel like less. Just know that you are the only mom your kids want or need, and that we all have our strengths and weaknesses.
Also, always feel free to tell others when they are doing good- you never know how much it could impact them. It could just turn out to be the rainbow shining down on the storm going on inside. 🌈
• Less is Moore •
It’s crazy how quickly summer seemed to creep up on us! It feels like just yesterday it was raining everyday, and now it’s hot enough to break a sweat just sitting out on the porch.
This summer is going to be an exciting one for my family. Our daughters are a little older and our son is on the move, so we can do a little more together. I also am finally not pregnant, or in charge of a newborn for the summer, so that helps too. 😂
I thought a fun blog post idea would be to share my family’s summer bucket list with everyone and I am hoping some of you will share yours with me in return! 🌞
• A trip to the zoo!
• Cleaning out our shed outside and getting our yard fixed up. We are also adding some raised garden beds, a playhouse, some small kiddy pools, and hopefully a little picnic table for our kids to have lunch on. ☀️
• Vacation in Winthrop. ⛰
• Leah’s third birthday party. 😍
• The Fourth of July, fireworks, and the parade. 🎇
• A trip to Fort Casey, picnic and the beach. 🏖
• Trampoline Zone! 💃
• Lots of parks and playgrounds. 🏃🏻♀️
• The Ferndale water park. 💦
• Billy’s 25th 🎂
• My fourth wedding anniversary. ♥️
I haven’t been so excited for a summer in a long time! We are also going down to only doing school three days a week- Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, to give the kids a little more freedom to play and enjoy the sunny weather .
I hope that everyone else has some fun plans for their summer, and I can’t wait to hear about them!!
Till next time,
• Less is Moore •